Let There Be...

It wasn’t the light that drew me; it was the darkness beyond. A moth mesmerised, I sought you. Your light was easy to see. It was what you wanted me to see, what I wanted to see. But I knew the darkness that lay within. I pretended I didn’t know, sheltered my wings from the night – but I knew.

I was content to flutter around your halo, comfortable in the eerie glow you cast. But the darkness was always there, always encroaching, always enveloping. I was stronger than the darkness…or so I thought.

Why did I keep coming back again and again, knowing what I knew? Was I that weak, that desperate that a true angel of light I would not seek? But you needed me. You needed my light. Without my light you would be enveloped in darkness.

And I needed your darkness. For neither was complete without the other. What is a moth without a flame, night without day, good without evil? When I was with you I could believe that the darkness belonged to you and you alone. I could disown my blackness, make myself one dimensional, golden, safe. It was you who was dangerous. It was you who was dark. And beside your darkness I shone all the more. My brightness was only enhanced by your shadow. So in your shadow I dwelled – by choice or by design I know not.

Darkness has a way of diminishing the sum of the light. The strength, the energy, the power required to shine into the abyss drained away. I became disenchanted, oblivious to your light. I no longer just saw the darkness hovering beyond the light; the light itself dimmed and the darkness grew. I began to lose my soul, myself, my light to you. I had resisted my own darkness for so long, I had not the strength to resist yours as well. I was drowning.

I was lost to the darkness. The light that shone from me was willed into existence. It no longer shone from my soul, but from my consciousness. I still shone, that is true. But not quite so brightly, not quite so easily. I was light, but not authentic light.
At the point of despair I realised that I too had darkness beyond the light. The grief, the sorrow, the loss. I didn’t want the darkness, I didn’t understand the darkness. It surely could not be mine?

But until I claimed the darkness as my own I would never again rightfully possess the light within. It was hard and scary and painful. Darkness threatened to drown me once more – this time my own. The sheer depth within was terrifying. I couldn’t fight anymore. And so, I surrendered to the darkness within.

Surrender brought unexpected relief. The less I struggled, the looser the grip. The darkness was retreating, backing away, diminishing at my acceptance, my validation. It no longer needed to prove itself, to shout to be heard. It was content with a whisper.

And laws of nature directed the void it left behind be filled. It could only be filled by something equally as powerful. And thus the light returned. Slowly at first, it waited to be claimed, to be adopted once more as my own. The light and dark respectfully sought balance between themselves, the overlap defining who I was. There were no outbreaks of violence, no power struggle, no sabotage. Just a simple acknowledgement that one could not exist without the other. The light needed the darkness to shine; the dark needed the light to lurk. There were shadows and shades of grey, neither of which were possible without both darkness and light.

And so, dear one I am no longer simply drawn to the darkness beyond your light. Nor am I hypnotised by the light that emanates from within your being. Instead I am aware that you are both light and dark, shadow and shade, truth and lie. I have learned to celebrate your light, but not deny your darkness, embrace your golden embers and acknowledge your blackness. But I have learned something even more important, more precious. No longer do I need your darkness to shine brightly. I have my own. I too am darkness and light, shadow and shade, truth and lie. For until I claimed the darkness, I could not claim the light. My darkness. My light. My authentic light. Like a moth to a flame I am drawn to you. Let there be light.